I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
