im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
