it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
