I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
this is an emotional support booty call
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
