I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
