Soap is not a condiment
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Randomize