just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Randomize
