my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
