i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
