She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
