its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Drake has all the answers
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
