All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
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