I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
