You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
