Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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