She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
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