Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
