I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
