They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
