I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
