Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Randomize
