we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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