I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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