Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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