I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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