Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
