Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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