Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
