meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I love you. Go after that dick
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
