I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
