i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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