I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
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