Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
