as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
