I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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