So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
