I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
