I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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