Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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