last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize