I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize