I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
