my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
