Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
