the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize