Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
