who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
