i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
