I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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