also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
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