You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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