saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
two words: eviction party
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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