Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
