I am spending my child support on dildos
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
