I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
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