so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
