somebody snuck up and got me drunk
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize