A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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