The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize