also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
