I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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