I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Man, jail baloney is awful.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
