I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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